• This too shall pass.
• One day at a time. I will just focus on this moment and not in how I will be able to handle this later today or tomorrow.
• If I survived “X” situation in the past, I can survive this too.
• Think of all the positive rewards that are around the corner.
• I will come out stronger when this is over.
• This is part of life

Let’s start with the basic principles. During the primary school years children do a lot of learning about right and wrong. Part of this learning happens while playing games. Adults make up rules and children learn about winning and losing. For others, the concepts of winning or loosing were constantly reinforced in their families of origin. Some have even been called directly “winner” or “looser” depending on their performance in sports, school, dating, business… so no wonder we continue to think that way. The problem is more serious for people with low self esteem for whom winning becomes even more important because their worth depends on the outcome of their actions. These are the people who can’t let go of a topic during dinner table discussions, or want to be right all the time. Do you know anybody like that? For others, winning carries a weight or a responsibility that they don’t perceive they can handle and therefore, unconsciously constantly sabotage their opportunities for success without realizing it.

The difference is that some people learn early in life to enjoy the ride (task individuals) while others are only outcome oriented (ego individuals). The second part is that for some failures and falls are perceived as lessons and opportunities for growth while for others it is the end (typical catastrophizing of black & white thinking patterns). On which side are you? The main advantage is that task oriented individuals will remain motivated even in times of adversity, for example when they are losing, as they perceive success in terms of trying hard and attempting to improve such as the majority of the athletes that we saw during the Olympics. My gosh…four years of intense training and sacrifice to fall down the hill after a few minutes, sometimes, even seconds. But guess what? They stood up and came back to try again, stronger and more determined, four or eight years later. It doesn’t mean they don’t hurt, cry, and feel down for a while. But they recover and try again. They know they are good athletes but they need to do better. Ego oriented individuals tend to think they aren’t good enough when their performance needs improvement or are criticized. They take it personally, as if their performance becomes part of who they are in essence as individuals.
I say there are two key aspects to this issue:
1) How to remain motivated
2) How do you define success?In terms of growth and development or solely in terms of achievement? What do you tell yourself at the end of an event? How do you evaluate your performance?

Learning to lose is a hard lesson and takes much longer than learning to win! But I believe we need to learn both because life is many times a combination. Here are some tips to help you during your journey:

1         Start by listening to your internal self. At the end of an event or a performance that didn’t go so well, what is that weird feeling telling you? That it is ok, and next time will be better, that you did your best and that is what matters the most? Or, that you are a looser and therefore, see…what is the point of even trying? Once you identify that voice you will be able to make miracles.

2         Practice loosing. Remember that life is a combination of things, good and bad, happiness and sadness, winning and loosing so remind yourself that even though today you are on one end, your position might switch to the other because nothing is permanent.

3         Remember you always win (learn) something from an experience, even if it’s a losing experience; it might not be what you expected but you always gain something. Look hard for what you “won” and make the best of it. It might become handy later in life, believe it or not.

4         Try to refocus your attention. If this time you didn’t get want you wanted it must be because life has something different in store for you, it is not your time, or you need to do/learn some things first. This is one of the most difficult things to do but if you try to go and follow the current of the river instead of fighting against it, you will find some treasures you didn’t even think of.

5        Keep in mind that you win by loosing. In the achievement of success there are usually various moments of failure. If you look around, more often than not people that succeed are the people that persevere even when losing. You almost never get it right the first time, no matter how hard you try. Did you get the car pedals or ski right the first time you tried? I don’t think so.

As the idiom says, “It is more better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  Remember that.
“If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not taking risks, and that means you’re not going anywhere. The key is to make mistakes faster than the competition, so you have more changes to learn and win.” John W. Holt, Jr

Providing a definition for love is most difficult. Experts have spent decades trying to provide an answer to the question of love; and the discussion continues. “Love is an emotion,” is the most common definition and, even though nobody can argue it, we believe love is more than that. A mystical emotion opened to a universal definition, says Susan Johnson, international expert in attachment and relationships.

Expert in relationships and founder of Imago therapy, Harville Hendrix states that love is a decision. Why? Because there are two types of love according to him: Romantic love and conscious love. Romantic love is the glue that initially bonds two people together but it is supposed to end. When reality sets in, conflict and defects come to the surface and then the stage of power struggles begins. Most couples get so caught up during this period that they either end the relationship or become miserable finding themselves trapped and not understanding why they stay in such a terrible situation. The typical answer: because they are in love. Reality: because they have childhood wounds they need to heal and the relationship represents an opportunity for them (if willing) to look at old wounds, heal and, finally find the healthy relationship that everybody wants and deserves. The problem is that we can find all types of rationalizations to stay in a relationship, to flee or to rebound into another relationship right away just to repeat the same pattern. All of these mechanisms impede us to do the work that we need individually and/or as a couple to move forward. This requires a conscious decision and conscious work. Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships, as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them.

Now more than ever, we can’t afford to continue thinking love can not be defined or to continue our unhealthy patterns in its name. “Therefore it is imperative that we comprehend what love is, how to make it, and how to make it last.”(Johnson, 2008).

Love is the most powerful compelling survival mechanism of the human species, not because of reproduction since we can manage to do that without love, but because of the bond/attachment that it produces. Love brings us the nourishment and security that we all need in order to feel alive and to face the world everyday. The need to be loved is wired into our genes and our bodies. It is as basic to life, health and happiness as food, shelter, and sex are. We need to be emotionally attached to others to be physically and emotionally healthy, and to survive.

Therefore, we need to be more conscious and do what we need to do to experience the love we are talking about and achieve happy adult relationships and marriages. Here are some first steps:

• Awareness: Take some time for yourself—alone—to examine what your relational patterns might be. Make a list of your last few relationships and determine what you always do.
• Start by looking into and at yourself vs. focusing and obsessing about your partner. Learn about your relationship with your parents. That is the origin of your unconscious behaviors in the present.
• Learning more effective coping mechanisms than crying, anger withdrawal, or other defensive behaviors which have become very habitual.
• Forget what makes sense or what is logical according to YOU. In relationships there is no such thing as common sense because it is usually going to be what makes sense to YOU ONLY. Try to change your focus and give your partner what he/she needs, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how much it goes against the grain of our personality and temperament. We stretch to become the person our partner needs us to be in order to heal. This is not easy, but it works. This is a radical idea. Conventional wisdom says that people don’t change, that we should simply learn to accept each other as we are. But without change, there is no growth; we are confined to a fate, to remaining stuck in our unhappiness.
• Use the information that your partner gives you to re-channel behavior into effective strategies for loving and caring for each other, as well as for meeting personal needs.
• Dismantle inappropriate beliefs from childhood and replace inappropriate behaviors and defense strategies. If the way you respond to conflict or to your partner’s request keeps you both sad and alone, try something different.
• Work on your communication style. Use “I” statements, express your feelings and listen actively to the other’s point of view. Don’t avoid talking about issues. If when you try, you end up mostly in a big fight or feeling uncomfortable, look for professional help. Avoidance is one of the major cause of divorce. Clear communication is a window into the world of your partner; truly being heard is a powerful aphrodisiac.
• Give up blame and criticism. A major weapon in the power struggle, criticism is adult crying; it is not an effective way to get the love you want. Just as you seek safety in your relationship, you must cease being an object of enmity and fear for your partner.
• Create a Relationship Vision, in which you and your partner imagine the marriage you would like to have; this co-created vision will be a daily reminder to you of your goals. Sit down and write it down and post it on a visible place in your house.
• To remind you of the love you once felt for each other, re-romanticize your relationship, giving each other special loving behaviors–with no strings attached, and regardless of your current feelings about your partner–on a daily basis. These are target specific behaviors that are exactly what your partner needs to feel loved and appreciated not what you want to give. So listen actively for what he/she wants.

Remember that change is the catalyst for healing. In changing to give our partners what they need, we heal our own wounds. Our own behavior was born in response to our particular deprivations; it is our adaptation to loss. In giving our partners what is hardest for us to give, we have to bring our hidden selves out into the light, owning traits we’ve repressed (rather than projecting them onto our partners), and enlivening atrophied parts of ourselves. When we change our behavior in response to our mate, we heal our partner and ourselves. The capacity and willingness to make that decision is what love is (Imago Relationships International, 1992)

The Christmas holidays are over and the New Year has begun. I am just coming back from dropping off my friends at the airport and my heart is sad. I enjoyed the visit and the time spent in company of old time childhood friends, but it is time to return to reality. I am trying to see the positive about it, but it is hard. I am trying to focus on new beginnings, since after all it is New Year’s, but it’s not easy.  As a result of my experience with these feelings I discovered the topic for this article: good byes, endings and new beginnings.

Few people know or feel comfortable with good byes.  Good byes are difficult. The challenge is to embrace them and try to look at what new beginnings they provide.  This is a crucial element to surviving. It is easy to feel dragged down by endings and to focus on the things that we have lost. The emotions sometimes are overwhelming and don’t allow us to see beyond the pain that we are experiencing in the moment.

However, if we think about it, each ending embraces a new beginning. We see it in nature all the time. Trees loosing their leaves means the end of the Fall and the beginning of the Winter. At the same time, the winter snow melting means the end of the Winter and the beginning of Spring. Vacations ending mean the beginning of new projects and pursuit of new goals and dreams. Getting married means the end of singlehood and the beginning of sharing life with the one we love. The examples are infinite. Of course certain endings make us feel happy, satisfied, and even relieved. Others cause sadness, leave us wanting more, and can lead to depression.  And the third example is the one that has the combination of both sweet and sour. That is the most complicated and the one I’m discussing.

In order to have stability in our lives, we need to learn to embrace endings and new beginnings in a way that doesn’t affect our inner core and that revitalizes us as much as possible.  Endings are part of reality, and in truth things don’t end, they change.

What needs to be done to maintain our inner core and find renewal in change?

• Start looking at endings as a transition not as an end itself. When ever there is an ending, there is the opportunity for a fresh start, a chance for something new and interesting to begin.
• Allow yourself to get in touch with the feelings that emerge from that ending. If you shut feelings down, deny, or repress them, they will only come back to haunt you and keep you stuck in the past.
• It is normal to have mixed feelings. You can feel sad about the death of a loved one, but may also feel relief because you no longer have the heavy burden of care. Guess what? It is human and it is OK.
• Be realistic about the positive and negative aspects of an ending. When we lose something we tend to idealize it and remember it as having been perfect. Nothing or no one is, so try to see both sides of the coin.
• Make the best of your circumstances. With the current economy many people who have lost their jobs have chosen to take the opportunity to start their own business or follow their dreams. Getting a divorce is the end of a marriage, but also the opportunity to start a new, focusing on new freedom, new opportunities and even new and happier relationships.
• Remember, you may not be able to control the “ending” itself, but you have total control over how you choose to see it and react to it. Embrace and try to focus on what the new beginning will bring into your life instead of focusing on what you are losing. It is a matter of perspective. “You can see the glass as half empty or half full.”   It is up to you!

Problems…is any one exempt? We all have problems. They may differ with regard to number, degree, type, and intensity, but if we are living in this world we share this common experience. So what’s the difference among us when it comes to problems? Simply, some people are troubled and overwhelmed by their problems while others cope and manage them. Often some people handle their problems so well that they are mistakenly judged not to have problems.

People who get overwhelmed by their problems loose perspective, control of themselves and, therefore are controlled by their problems. The result is feelings of helpless and hopeless, and in consequence, diseases such as depression and anxiety. When people begin to panic, tend to seek for immediate and rapid solutions. The biggest problem is that there are none, of course, and they thus despair.

We as human beings can become experts at escaping our problems. Occasionally we push our problems aside which is sometimes necessary, but when that becomes the rule rather than the exception, we are headed for trouble. We can’t run away from reality; we can postpone it, but not avoid it.

So the first difference between those who cope and those who do not will often be the difference between those who face their problems and those who do not. When we avoid problems, they will usually end up controlling and overwhelming us, sooner or later. When we face them, no matter how difficult or painful they are, we maintain our mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

The second difference is the capacity for acceptance and letting go, not only of the problem itself but of the outcomes of our actions when facing them. It is important to see problems or challenges as part of our growth in life. When a problem, physical or emotional pain arises, there is sign that something is wrong and that something needs to change. However, after we try and do our part we need to let go and accept reality, whatever it is. For good and for bad, we have only two options, accept what we have and try to make the best of it or sink in despair and pain.

Life on its own terms is not going to be most of the time as we want it or would like it to be. As Vicki Silvers states in the Book “The Language of Recovery” (2000), life’s circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. Beyond any understanding, you may at times be led in different direction that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path, or tried to carry out your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all. Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now.

Learning to be flexible, patience and adjust to circumstances is one of the best tools we can use to live a healthy and happy life. Understanding that sometimes life is not fair, that things happen, and that we can’t control most of it, are some of the basic concepts to be able to face problems and look at life in a different way.

Self-help author, Melody Beattie, tell us that sometimes when we pray for miracles, what we’re really praying for is help in skipping steps, for shortcuts. The simple act of acceptance, of return it to each step of our path, can often bring us the miracle we need. Then we see the truth. The real miracle is one always available to each of us: it’s the miracle of acceptance. We can go where we want to go, one step at a time.

I hope these holidays bring you the time and the peace to accept your life and the lives of those you love as they are, letting go of the worst, holding on to the best, and finding the hope inside that continues throughout life.

We all wonder sometimes when things go wrong or when not feeling good how we can focus on the positive in our lives and to be thankful. Well, the answer is practicing dialectical thinking. Dialectical thinking is a form of flexible thinking open to the synthesis of opposites, which is often the way life is. To understand a dialectical framework, think of the polarities inherent in reality, the many opposites we encounter in daily life and the way things work. From the simplicity of night and day to the unseen tension between matter and antimatter, reality is full of opposites.

It is the opposite from the so called dichotomous thinking, which you can define as either-or all-or nothing thinking. Dialectical thinking is a matter of finding a middle path between extremes __ extreme of emotions (stuffing versus overreaction), thinking (black and white versus black and white), or relationships (they either love me or hate me, rather than they both love me and hate me.

So dialectical thinking:

• Is flexible
• Is synergistic/holistic
• Asks, “What’s being left out?
• Asks, “Where can we put the and?”

When you are confronted with apparent contradictions or conflict, try using dialectical thinking. With help from your mindfulness skills, try to turn toward tolerance fro differences of opinions. In the case of interpersonal conflict, let others set their own personal limits while you set yours, knowing that limits can fluctuate from time to time and don’t have to be fixed. Life isn’t all or nothing. It’s usually both / and.

So keeping in mind the wisdom from dialectical thinking, I would encourage you during this Thanksgiving to try to make an effort and start putting in practice your dialectical thinking skills… This means you don’t have to only be thankful and focus on the positive of your life, but practice tolerating both: the positive and the negative. Make space for you to feel sorry and grief the stuff that isn’t going well but also try and focus on the things that are and be thankful for them. Remember that life is about that, not one or the other.

Reference: Sprandlin (2003). Don’t let your emotions run your life.

Happiness, the pursuit of every human being. How does it look? What does it mean? How do we know when we are on the way to happiness, or walking further away from it? Wikipedia defines happiness as a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy. A variety of philosophical, religious, psychological and biological approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources.

Philosophers and religious thinkers often define happiness in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion. I would say there are two kinds of happiness: 1) a more permanent state of mind for people when looking at their lives feel happy; 2) happiness as a temporary emotion. As human beings we pursue both. The problem is that sometimes people confuse the pursuit of the temporary emotion with the final goal in life. People can get lost and detoured by trying to be in constant state of euphoria and get themselves in trouble and end up not happy in the long term. That is why people get into unhealthy relationships, drugs, conflicts… and any type of self-damaging behaviors. Why? Because it gives them the high or the momentary “happiness” that they are looking for. So what is wrong with the picture? That in the long term it doesn’t work because we are not supposed to be in this euphoric emotional state all the time. So while we pursue our final goal of happiness, whatever it is for you, we can enjoy little moments of happiness in our everyday lives. For example, for some happiness in life is to have a big house in the country and have a family. While that happens, that person can enjoy moments of happiness everyday by enjoying a party, meeting somebody, or receiving a good job offer.  

So in order to achieve both in life it is important to keep focus on the final goal while pursuing daily moments of happiness and both must be interconnected. How can you do that?

Be honest with yourself and only yourself. What do you want in life? Forget for a moment about your parents, your wife, what is best for the world… think about you and only you for a second. If you had a magic stick how would your life be?

Maintain that vision and then, based on your circumstances and reality think of options and what steps you need to take in order to be as close to that vision as possible. Most of us cannot reach that ideal but it is important to have one to give direction and meaning to our lives.

In everyday living we can pursue happiness by changing our thoughts and ways of thinking. We can work at having fewer negative thoughts and cultivating positive ones. After all you are in control of your mind and not the opposite. Your mind is part of you not all of you.

Practice half smile, even when you don’t feel like it. It has been scientifically proven that a half smile sends a signal to the brain to release endorphins and other substances that help us to feel better.

Gratitude. Be thankful for the things that you have in life. Happy people are the ones that focus on what they have rather than on what they want. Try to spend more time in your day enjoying the good things in life.

Consider forgiveness. Resentment is one of the biggest causes of cancer, stroke, and stomach ulcers. Remember that forgiving is a process that heals you so it is for your benefit not for the benefit of the aggravator.

Strengthen your relationships. Also proven, relationships are the main source of happiness in life. People that achieve money, career and success but do not have strong relationships still suffer from depression, addictions and are high prospects for suicide.

Letting go… oh wonderful thing. When you are upset about something try to think that you have two options: to continue being upset or to let go, regardless of all the reasons you might have to continue being upset. At some point, make a conscious decision to let go.

Accept the things in your life that you cannot change, otherwise you will only keep suffering. Try to practice the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” and your life will be happier day by day.

Have you ever noticed that when you are emotional you have certain thoughts associated with that emotion? For example, if you are angry, you might think that you hate someone. You might have thoughts such as “this is not fair,” or “I am in danger.” And there is also a physiological component to emotions such as tears, blood rush, or sweat and shaking.

Emotions have a reason to be. They prompt us for action, they motivate us, help us communicate with others, and give us important information about what’s going on in a given situation. But like anything else in life if misused or out of balance it can cause trouble. In that is the case, emotions sometimes can lead us to ineffective behaviors. If your emotions make you do things that you regret later and they are causing you trouble in different areas of your life, you need to learn to control them.

Try to follow the next steps and as always practice, practice and practice.

Learn about your emotions. What are the feelings that you experience the most and in what situations. Knowing your triggers is the first step to start doing something about it.

Keep in mind that emotions don’t last forever. The intensity can vary from person to person, and situation to situation. Tell yourself “This too shall pass.” It is important to remember this when you are in the middle of an emotional turmoil.

Watch the Emotion instead of trying to get rid of it. As soon as you watch the emotion, you separate yourself from it, therefore it can’t take over you and quickly disappears.

Accept that life is made of positive and negative emotions that won’t last forever. I you are a person who wishes you could feel good all the time, you are not alone. But that isn’t realistic or possible. Accept those negative times along with the good and positive, because you can’t have one without the other. Just as there is night and day, there is sadness and happiness.

Most importantly, don’t be afraid of your emotions. They are part of you and your identity and they help you be alive. Embrace them and learn to love yourself with everything that you are and feel. Don’t judge yourself about what you feel or act on your feelings; just learn to differentiate between feeling and acting on it and your life will be better.

Patience is a virtue. With that four word sentence being said, you cannot imagine how difficult it is for many individuals to follow that virtue. Patience comes from the Latin word pati which means to suffer, to endure, to bear. It is the ability to tolerate waiting, delay, or frustration without becoming agitated or upset. It’s the ability to be able to control your emotions or impulses and proceed calmly when faced with difficulties. It may appear to be passive; however it is an active, purposeful and necessary form of self-discipline. Yes! the matter of waiting for things to come to you, is something that can and needs to be cultivated.

Without patience many of our actions would be counter-productive and ultimately much time and energy would be wasted spinning our wheels. Surely, patience is a time-tested virtue. There are many things in life that require patience, some are big like becoming a doctor or a mother but most of them are just daily simple accomplishments such as waiting in line or dealing with a DMV errand. If you want to learn how to cultivate this virtue I recommend you continue reading. Life will be better.

Keep your eyes open. If you are usually impatient about the same type of things you might be able to discover patterns. Which events, people, phrases or circumstances always seem to make you lose your cool? Sit down and make a list of all the things which cause you anxiety, tension, or frustration. Try to avoid or change the ones that you can, and of course, let go of the things that you can’t change. Easier said than done, but unfortunately you only have those two choices: empower yourself and do something about it or let it go.

Be mindful and live in the moment. When you are doing something focus on that and only that. Many times we get impatient because we are thinking about all the other things that we need to fit in our schedules instead of just being in the moment.

Distract yourself. When negative or anxious thoughts start rising, catch your self and STOP. Picture some relaxing scene or try to think of something else. Getting impatient won’t make things move along any faster, so why get worked up for nothing?

Practice delaying gratification. Developing patience isn’t easy so don’t try to practice with your big goals in life. Start with small things. Practice waiting a few minutes before you eat that dessert that you so much want, or a couple of days before you go on that shopping spree, stop and think about it first. Maybe you don’t need or want any of them that badly after all. You can save yourself some money or added calories. If you decide you do, wait as much as you can before you give in.

Practice, practice, practice. Developing patience is much like physical exercise because it gets easier with practice but you need first to develop the muscle and habit.

Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success. As a Dutch proverb says “A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.”