Loneliness or Solitude

Loneliness is a universal phenomenon. Understanding this basic but not so simple truth is an important step in order to grow in life, strengthen our self-esteem and, improve our relationships. As existentialist, Victor Frankl considers loneliness part of the paradox that describes the human condition: “Humans are existentially both alone and related.” Therefore we need to experience both. But many times the awareness or experience of aloneness can be frightening and make us rush to relationships or unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drug and alcohol. It is important to realize that we all experience loneliness at some point; it is part of being human. But not everybody can enjoy it. Being happy alone is a life skill that can be learned…it is called creative solitude.

When a child leaves home for the first time to go to camp or to go to college they feel lonely. When we move to a new city or a new job we feel lonely. After a break up or during the final stages of a very unhappy marriage people say that there is nothing worse and lonelier that being with somebody physically present but emotionally disconnected. When a spouse passes away, the widowed person has to deal with the frightening feelings of being left behind or abandoned.

But let’s stop for a second and think about what loneliness means. Many times we confuse the feelings and their definitions. There is a big misunderstanding between what loneliness, alone, and solitude mean since many times we blend them all together. The dictionary doesn’t refer to them as synonymous and neither should we. Alone means apart from other people; single; by oneself. Alone is a state. Loneliness on the other hand is a feeling of isolation that can occur in the aloneness of your bedroom on in the midst of a crowd. Lonely doesn’t feel good, alone does. If you are the type of person who can’t be alone, do not confuse yourself with an extreme extrovert or social person. There can be something you are running away from you might need to take care of. The ideal is that we deal and want to live with both of them in a harmonious balance that doesn’t incline us too much to one side or the other. Now don’t take me wrong, I am a big advocate of people being and developing healthy relationships and sharing time with loved ones but like with anything else: balance is the healthy answer.  When we can enjoy being alone, we create the environment for creative solitude to emerge. Creative solitude is the use of time or periods of your life alone for personal growth, for exploration of your own self and, for enjoyment of your own company.

There some ways you can start developing your capacity to turn your loneliness into creative solitude.

We can change the way we feel by changing our attitude about being alone. We can continue to wallow in self-pity or we can accept it and use it creatively to discover who we are, what we want, and how we can best begin to reconnect with others.

Constantly remind yourself that being alone isn’t bad and that being with people or with somebody doesn’t necessarily eliminate feelings of loneliness.

Work on solidifying and developing your identity. When you feel good about yourself, you become stronger and wiser and more capable of dealing with loneliness.

Do not let the thoughts such as “I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life,” “nobody loves me,” “I can’t do this” sabotage you. Accept your aloneness and the responsibility for your own happiness.

Focus on the positive. Remember all the things that you couldn’t do because you were in a relationship or what your friends didn’t like. Start developing a list of the things you can do thanks to the freedom that being alone allows.

As Elaine Altschuler states, the sense of being in reasonable control of your life, self-reliant and independent, does wonderful things for the ego. You will like yourself better. As a result, you will find it easier to reach out to others at appropriate times, able to risk the disappointment and hurt sometimes relationships involve. And when you like yourself you will find enjoyment in being alone just or as much as you enjoy being with others.

Remember that any good thing in life requires effort and dedication. Also if your aloneness comes as a result of a loss, allow yourself sometime to grieve instead of rushing or telling yourself that “you should” start enjoying being alone. There is a time for everything and for everything there is a time: Time to be alone, time to enjoy solitude, and time to share with others.

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